I'm a Killjoy

When I was a girl I asked for martial arts lessons and was told not to bother with them because knowing taekwondo won’t help me a bit if my opponent has a gun. During a recent conversation with the people who raised me, I realized where I get my killjoy tendencies.

I’ve always got an excuse not to act on something I believe in or to try something I want do. I’ve got excuses for why I shouldn’t publish my novels, why I shouldn’t bother signing up for a meditation retreat, or travel to Europe this summer. For example:

--it’s too hard

--it takes too much time and money

--I can’t find enough people to support me, or watch my kid for me, etc.

--someone will not like it and get angry and fight with me and I don’t need that stress in my life

--it’s not worth the effort unless it’s successful and I have no guarantee it will be

--even if it is successful, I am not sure I want the notoriety and attention that comes with success

--I don’t want to be typecast as “that person who…”

--it might require physical hardship and I’m a wimp

--there’s surely some other reason I shouldn’t do whatever it is, and if I dare do it, I will find out the reason, too late.

So I’m talking with these people who raised me about an idea I had to try to get OTC medication education in high schools, and they had a pile of reasons why my idea was no good and why I shouldn’t bother with it. It was like listening to myself try to talk myself out of something.

Fascinating, I thought. No wonder I haven’t amounted to much. I still don’t think I can.

I’m so used to my concerns being dismissed that sometimes I just disrespect my own needs and desires before someone else can. I guess that’s called “shooting oneself in the foot,” and I’ve been accused before of doing that…by the people who raised me. Awesome.

Where do we go from here then? Recognizing that I tend to view things in the most negative way possible, I can shrug and say “that’s how it is, but it doesn’t have to stop me.” And in fact, it hasn’t. I still do just what I want to do every day. I craft time alone and time with others with a strong sense of pursuing my own agenda as much as possible. But my agenda isn’t always writing, art or vacation planning. Sometimes it is the subtle art of running errands, or recipe planning, or deciding what yarn will be crafted into what wearable object. Sometimes I light a candle or some incense as a statement of purpose and intent toward pursuing my aims toward their highest potential. Sometimes I turn on my computer and cook some self-referential meant-to-inspire-and-enlightened stew of words into a frothy, bubbled-over mess like this one.

Anyhow, I hope that whoever reads this might see some morsel of usefulness in it. I’m optimistic that way, at least.