Careless Speech

Countless times in my life, I’ve put my foot in my mouth. I’ve said things I later needed to apologize for. I’ve accidentally destroyed friendships and gotten in trouble at work just for sending email without carefully thinking through the consequences. But labeling myself as careless or socially uncouth doesn’t help.

I know that my heart was in the right place when I said and did many of those things, even if the recipients didn’t agree. I thought I was helping, not realizing that sensitive individuals would take offense.

I’ve always been one to stick my neck out and look like a fool, for the sake of others. I’m that person in class who risks looking like an idiot for asking the question that everyone else is thinking but doesn’t dare to say. This is often my role in groups, but I’m not defined by it.

However, there’s a pattern here that needs to be examined.

When I was about eleven, I was shoe shopping with my father and ran into a schoolmate who had just recently gotten braces. Being socially awkward, I didn’t know what to say to her, though I knew I should say something besides, “Hi.” The only thing I could come up with was, “Now I can call you metal mouth!” which I said with a smile. I meant it as a joke, and didn’t mean to hurt her, but my father was horrified. When we left the store he reamed me out. The end result was that I was convinced this girl hated me for what I’d said, and I avoided her for the rest of our school days together.

Recently I realized that this situation has echoed through many of my relationships with friends and acquaintances. I’m quick to convince myself that because someone isn’t writing/calling/texting/emailing that they must hate me for some stupid thing I said or did. It’s tempting to ask people, “Did I say or do something to piss you off?” but I realize that knowing the answer ultimately is not going to help.

What will help is compassionately accepting myself despite my flaws. What will help is taking a cue from that song with the lyrics, “If you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with.” I want to be present with the people I’m with—the barista, the grocer, my daughter and husband, and the handful of people who actually contact me more than once a year—and stop worrying about the past, because we all make mistakes. Forgive, and move on.